The call came one morning while I was knee-deep in paperwork. My brother Ervin's voice had that edge it gets when he's stuck on something. "I'm looking at this step flashing detail, and I can't figure out how you want it run."
My first response was, "Come on, man — you've done that a hundred times before."
The pause that followed taught me more about leadership than any book I've read.
The Problem I Didn't Know I Was Creating
"I don't know how," Ervin said. "You always just did it when we ran into this situation. You never showed me how."
That hit harder than any missed deadline or failed inspection. All those times he'd come to me with questions about tricky details, I'd taken over. Faster to grab the tin snips and show him than explain the why behind each cut. More efficient to bend the flashing myself than walk him through reading the water flow.
I thought I was being helpful. I thought I was being a good leader. I was stealing his chance to learn.
How many times had I done this? Someone brings a problem, and before they finish explaining it, I'm already fixing it. The advice monster jumps in. We think we're being useful, but we might be doing the exact opposite.
What Happens When We Solve Too Fast
Michael Bungay Stanier calls it perfectly in The Advice Trap. We have this advice monster inside us that wants to jump in with solutions the moment someone starts talking about a problem. It feels good to have answers. Makes us feel useful, smart, needed.
But here's what actually happens when we give advice too fast: people walk away feeling the same as when they started. Maybe worse. They didn't get what they actually needed.
A lot of times, they already know what to do. They just need someone to stay curious long enough to let them work it through. Maybe they need encouragement, not instruction. Maybe they need to be heard, not fixed.
Think about the last time someone gave you unsolicited advice. How did it land? Even when they were right, even when they meant well, something about it probably felt off. Like they didn't trust you to handle your own situation.
The Real Cost of Taking Over
After that phone call with Ervin, I started paying attention to how often I jumped in. The pattern was everywhere. One of my framers would start to explain a layout issue, and I'd already be grabbing the chalk line. A customer would begin describing what they wanted, and I'd interrupt with what I thought they needed.
Without meaning to, I was teaching everybody to wait on me. Every time I took over, I sent the message that I didn't think they could handle it. Every time I rushed to the answer, I skipped the part where they might have learned something.
The worst part? I was making my own job harder. People who never get the chance to work through problems don't develop the skills to solve the next one. They come back with the same questions because they never got to practice the thinking.
It's like handing someone a hammer every time they need to drive a nail, but never showing them how to swing it. Eventually, you become the only person who can drive nails, and everyone else just stands around waiting for you to show up.
What Staying Curious Actually Looks Like
This isn't just a job-site thing — it shows up at home, too. The next time your son comes home from college and you notice or learn that he's made decisions you don't approve of or that he might not fully realize will have long-term effects, try something different. Instead of just offering advice and sharing your opinions, ask him what he's already noticing. What does he see about his life and its direction?
What would he do first if he had to figure it out on his own? Are there experiences from his past that could apply to where he's headed? It might take more time—probably a lot more. But by the end of that first real conversation, he's not just nodding along to your expectations. He's actually thinking through his own path. He understands the reasons behind his
Your son will surprise you. He will bring fresh perspectives and approaches that familiarity has kept hidden. And he'll gain the confidence to face his next challenge without needing you to look over his shoulder every step of the way.
James 1:19 (NLT) puts it simply: "You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." Quick to listen. Slow to speak. The order matters.
The Questions That Change Everything
Learning to stay curious meant learning to ask different questions. Instead of "Here's what you need to do," start with "What do you think is going on here?" Instead of "Let me show you the right way," try "What have you already tried?" The shift may feel awkward at first. My instinct is still to jump in with answers. But the more I practice, the more I realize how much I'd been missing. People weren't just bringing me technical problems. They were bringing me trust issues with co-workers, concerns about customer expectations, ideas for better ways to do things.
When I stayed curious long enough to hear the real question, I could actually help. When I jumped to solutions, I was usually solving the wrong problem anyway. Sometimes the best thing I could say was "Tell me more about that." Sometimes it was "What else is going on here?" Often, it was just sitting quietly long enough for them to think out loud. With this perspective, here are a few things I'm working on— join me on the journey.
When Listening Is the Hardest Work
Listening is harder than solving. Asking good questions takes more work than giving quick answers. It requires patience I don't always have, especially when deadlines are pressing and the phone won't stop ringing.
But when we stay curious longer, we give people something they can't get anywhere else: the feeling that someone actually cares enough to hear them out. We give them the chance to discover they're more capable than they thought.
I think about that conversation with Ervin now whenever someone brings me a problem. Before I offer any solution, I try to understand what they're really asking. Before I take over, I ask myself: am I helping them grow, or just making myself feel useful?
Proverbs 15:31 (NLT) reminds us: "If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise." But you have to listen first. You have to create space for people to tell you what they're really thinking.
The Question That Changes How You Lead
The question that changed everything for me was simple: "What do you think?" Not "What do you think you should do?" or "What's your plan?" Just "What do you think?"
It's amazing what people will tell you when you ask that question and then wait for the real answer. Not the first thing they say, but the thing they say after you've stayed quiet long enough for them to trust you with it.
That's where the real problems live. That's where the real solutions come from. That's where people learn they can handle more than they thought.
Building What Matters isn't just about the structures we put up. It's about the people we're building up along the way. And sometimes the most important tool we can put down is our need to have all the answers.
The advice monster will always be there, ready to jump in with solutions. The question is whether we'll let it steal what people need most: the chance to figure things out for themselves, with someone who cares enough to listen while they do.
